Love is a subject as vast as it is fascinating and mysterious. What could be more delightful in life than the broad and deep experience of this euphoric and ravishing feeling, that we call love? Love makes us expand from finite to infinite and it takes us off the loneliness of our beings. The delicious and overwhelming experience of falling in love makes us float with happiness and feel in the seventh heaven. Our love reservoirs are filled up to the maximum and the transfiguration of our beloved is exemplary. Why should we not always remain in this state of grace? To achieve this, however, we need a lot of attention and dedication and it is very important for us to know the way how we should manifest our love towards our beloved, for he or she can understand and feel it, on his/her own language, and he/she can always feel loved and appreciated in our relation.
The emotional language of your love can be, compared to that of your beloved, as different as Chinese is from English, for example. No matter how much you would try to express your love in English, if your lover only understands Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. It is not enough to be honest when we express our love, but we must be willing to learn the main love language of the other, if we wish to effectively communicate in love. Thus our love will be translated into the our beloved’s love language
Since childhood, every human being has been developing a specific way in which they receive the love that their parents and the people who they come in contact with transmit to them. This could be called the love language of that being. It is therefore very important that when we are in a love relationship and we honestly wish for our beloved’s happiness, to aim to discover the our beloved’s love language and to manifest according to it as often as possible.
The same thing is valid for us as well. By doing a self analysis and aiming to discover how we like to be loved best, we can guide our beloved to manifesting towards us in that way that makes us feel best and gives us a broad feeling of happiness and fulfillment.
If we want to be efficient in making our love known we should be willing to learn the our beloved’s love language
Although there is an infinite number of ways and nuances in which we can manifest our love, there have been identified, however, five main love languages. In his book "The Five Love Languages", Dr. Gary Chapman, marriage counselor and lecturer on how to improve and enrich the couples lives, summarizes and concludes that the five fundamental ways in which a human being expresses and receives love are : words of encouragement, your invested time, gifts, services and caresses or touching.
There are three main ways by which we can identify the love language:
1. to think about what causes us the greatest suffering out of the things that our lover does or doesn’t do. The opposite of what makes us suffer is usually our love language.
2. to identify which is the thing that we have most often requested form our lover, that can also identify our way to love and to feel loved.
3. The way how we express our love for the beloved one shows, usually, what makes us feel loved.
At the foundation of human existence lies the need for privacy and to be loved by someone.
Usually, in the love relations, the gap that is created in time between the two lovers is because one of them or both do not feel loved anymore. Their love reservoirs are empty and the enthusiasm of the beginning and the magic moments of love are rare or they have completely disappeared. The need to be loved is what led to the founding of the couple. If this need is not satisfied any longer, the couple breaks off irreversibly in most of the cases. Maintaining a reservoir full of love in a couple relationship is as important as maintaining the correct level of oil in a car.
People behave differently when their love reservoir is full. They are more good willing, more tolerant, more generous, more understanding, kinder. Learning and expressing the main love language of the beloved can decisively affect his or her behavior.
Love Language Number 1: Words of encouragement
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue " - Solomon
"Anger befalls upon the man, but only a good word can make him happy."
Using words is one way to express love. To encourage the other by using words can have an extraordinary power. Love is very strongly expressed through compliments or words of encouragement. The best way is to use simple statements, such as:
"This fits you so wonderfully!"
"You never looked so great in this dress!"?
"Nobody cooks potatoes better than you. I enjoy them a lot"
"I am very grateful that you have washed the dishes tonight. I wanted you to know that I don’t take this for granted "etc.
For example, "I'd be happy to wash the dishes tonight," said with a mocking tone will never be seen as an expression of love. On the other hand, we can share the suffering, the pain and even the anger in a positive manner, which may thus be an expression of love: "I feel disappointed and hurt that you did not offer to help me" - said with an open and gentle tone, can be an expression of love. It is a step towards building intimacy by sharing feelings. In fact, it calls for an opportunity to discuss suffering and find a cure for it. However, the same words said in a harsh voice and screaming will not be an expression of love, but one of condemnation and judgment.
"A soft answer can often turn the anger off the road."
So the main aspect regarding the time granted is that the time is really spent together. And it is not enough to just stand next to the other person ... Together means that nothing else will disturb us, means to fully participate with our body, mind and soul at the time we spend with the one we love.
Just as it is with the words of encouragement, the time granted language has several dialects. One of the most important dialects is the one of real conversation. By real conversation we mean a dialogue full of understanding, in which the two lovers share their experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a balanced environment, full of love, friendship, harmony. Most of the people who complain that their lover does not speak to them do not mean that he/she doesn’t say a word, but they mean that they rarely participate in an open dialogue. If the main love language of your lover is the time granted and the dialect is the real conversation, such a discussion is essential for them to have the fulfilling feeling that they are loved.
Practical tips to have a real conversation with our beloved:
2. While listening, do not do anything else.
3. Listen to her/his feelings.
4. Observe the body language.
5. Reject the interruptions.
Real conversation means not only to listen, but to share our feelings. For example, if your lover's love language is the time granted and the dialect is the real conversation, your lover’s tank will never be full until you share with her/him your thoughts and feelings.
1. at least one of the two wants to do that thing
2. the other one is willing to do that thing
3. both know why they are doing that work - to express their love by being together.
We can ask ourselves how to find time for all of this. Just as we find time to eat.
Why? Because this is something that is equally important to our love relationship, as the food is to our health.
Must everything be carefully planned? Yes.
Does this mean that we must give up some personal business? Possibly.
And what is in it for me? The pleasure to live with your lover who feels loved and she/he knows that you have learned to express yourself fluently in her/his love language.
Gifts can be of any size, colour and shape, can be very expensive or for free. But those for whom the main love language is receiving gifts will appreciate its price only if it is above the person’s possibilities. If a millionaire always offers the cheapest gifts to his beloved, she can doubt that this is an expression of love. But when finances are limited, no matter how cheap a gift is, it can mean a love which worth millions.
Receiving gifts is one of the easiest love languages, so this is why it is very easy to learn. If receiving gifts is for the being you love the main love language, you can quickly become an expert in the art of giving. Gifts can be bought, found or made. They do not necessarily have to be expensive. The lover who stops on the way and picks some wild flowers for his beloved, expresses in this way his love for her (provided she is not allergic to pollen).
But what happens to those who say they do not know how to offer gifts, those who have not received many gifts in their lives, not even in their childhood, and they find it difficult to offer gifts? Receiving gifts is the easiest love language to learn. And even if you did not know it before, or you found it hard to offer gifts, if you discovered that the love language of your beloved is to receive gifts, you will certainly have the motivation to become an expert in offering gifts.
For the beginning make a list of all the gifts that your lover has enjoyed very much over the years. This list may include the gifts that you offered them and even gifts they received from other people and you know they liked very much. This will help you to get an idea of what kind of gifts they like. If you do not know how to choose gifts that they like, ask your friends, family members or people who know them and who can help you. Meanwhile, choose gifts that are easy to buy, to find or to make and offer them to them. If receiving gifts is the main love language of the being that you love, then almost anything you give them will be perceived as an expression of your love to them. (But if until now they have seemed unhappy with the gifts that you have offered and they haven’t liked almost anything, it is likely that this is not their main language.)
Gifts and the financial aspect
Saving and investing in life, you buy tomorrow's security. You take care of your emotional needs by the way you handle money, but this way will not satisfy the needs of your lover, if their love language is receiving gifts. If you discover that this is their love language, then maybe you will understand that the purchase of these gifts is the best "investment" that you can do. You invest in the love relationship you have and you fill in, in this way, the love tank of your lover. And when this is full, you will receive in return the same love, in your love language. When both emotional needs are met, your love relationship will take a totally new dimension. Do not worry about your savings, you will remain a money saver, but investing in the love for your beloved is like investing in some safe shares.
If the physical presence of your beloved is important to you, it is recommended to openly communicate this to them. Do not expect them to read your thoughts. Many people do not communicate their wishes, but they expect their lover to predict them. This can happen sometimes, due to the state of empathy which is awakened between the two lovers, when they love each other very much and they have a harmonious relationship. But it is much better and wiser of you, instead of expecting your lover to guess your wishes - and then, if this is not happening, to be frustrated and disappointed - to communicate what you want from your lover, in a harmonious and loving way. In this way you will give them the opportunity to fulfil your wishes and make you happy.
Love is always based on generosity. All the five love languages urge us to offer something to the one we love. For some (whose love language is receiving gifts) gifts - visual symbols of love - are the most convincing. They don’t have to expect to be expensive or offered weekly, and for some they have nothing to do with their financial value, but only with affective value.