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Conventional Couple versus Spiritual Couple

  • couple relationship
  • Spiritual path
We have all wished for a perfect sublime relationship with a member of the opposite sex.
Some of us succeed the first time, others succeed after many failed attempts; others are still searching. There is no need to worry about this, since “Everyone has their own half” as states an ancient proverb. Sooner or later, you and your beloved will come together to enjoy the most sublime aspects of love, depending on how quickly you become aware of REALITY.

It is essential to understand typical mistakes made in a "normal" or "conventional" couple.
From the beginning this kind of a relationship is doomed to failure.
By becoming aware of our mistakes we can build a perfect union of love based on the highest ideals.
Here is a comparative analysis of the two types of relationships: the conventional and the spiritual.

 

CONVENTIONAL COUPLE SPIRITUAL COUPLE

Closed process. The couple''s motivations are not clarified. Most of the time, the couple is modelled on a standard pattern established by others rather than on self-determined values. Security and stability is preferred, transformation avoided. This is why individual evolution is very slow. Both try hard to be according to the other''s image; the lovers do not act freely. They do not do as they honestly feel.

Open process. The relationship is clearly established for a spiritual purpose, and common objectives constitute the foundation of the relationship. There is mutual recognition of each other’s freedom. Both lovers honestly and openly express who they are, their desires, and their goals. Transformation is accepted, and there is no jealousy. This is the reason why individual evolution is very rapid.

Doubt. The closed process creates less self-confidence and less confidence in each other. You become attached and feel dependent, and need the other to place value upon yourself.

Trust. An open process allows each lover to be aware of their own independence. You do not try to change the other. Rather, you accept them as they are and you help them by your own presence.

Competition. "Do not take my place". The struggle for power appears: Who gives the orders? Who is the authority? There is a conflict of roles. Their own interests come first. The Ego is “in power”.

Understanding. Each lover has the same “rank”, the same responsibilities. Each respects the other’s “space” and the desire to be either together or alone. There is a flexibility in roles: you are here to help the other advance.
Dependency: Therearefixed roles. You wish to impose your different points of view on the other. You feel separated, alone and unfulfilled. There is fear of abandonment.

Autonomy: Each lover is self-sufficient, and not dependent on the other. Love confers security. Each lover is open to the other’s desire for spiritual evolution. Hence there is a stong understanding of the “tools” used for spiritual development: the need for spiritual practice, allowance for free time, travel, and other requirements. This leads to spontaneity and harmony.

Conditions. Dependency creates conditional exchanges. The relationship is conducted through rules, contracts, and compulsion. The basis of the union is the concept of trade: if you offer something you get something in return. Attitudes are premeditated. There can be manipulation.

Liberty. Autonomy fosters tolerance, detachment, and surrender. No longer is there domination nor possessiveness. The lovers together spontaneously explore the joyful adventure of conscious evolution as a couple. There is happiness, mutual confidence, and harmony.

Boredom. The lovers create rules because they no longer enjoy spending time together. They enter into a routine that destroys creativity and inventiveness. Each begins to think the other is the source of unhappiness and this is the reason why each must defend themself.

Creativity. There is a constant state of play and agreeable mood between the two lovers. Spontaneity, inspiration, and amusement is evident. Roles and resposibilities change spontaneously. New avenues of love are invented. You feel really good and happy together.

Insecurity: You have the sense that something is missing, though you do not know what is it exactly. There are feelings of fear, instability and culpability. You avoid the other or reproach them on certain behaviour which upsets you. There may be the deisre to start a family, hoping that this is a solution to the problem and to find greater stability.

Security. Profound love leads to the feeling of stability. The desire to start a family may appear, not because the lovers are afraid of losing one another, but in order to fulfill a higher purpose. The spiritual merging of the two lovers induces a superior feeling of security.

The sensation of failing as a couple. There is a sense of impotence regarding the flow of events. Each lover begins to undervalue the other. Resentments appear that can provoke even further unbalance. There is a feeling of desperation, and that there is nothing you can do. You see no way of bringing  harmony back into the couple.

Perfect love. There are feelings of abnegation and adoration. Mutual devotion awakens the divine essence in both lovers and mutual self-sacrifice generates a fine mood. You exist for love. Love becomes cosmic; you feel that God is the One who loves you, through your lover.
Separation. The only solution is separation and divorce. You experience desperation and loneliness. This could be an opportunity for transformation, for possible discovery of  autonomy and freedom

Unity. The relationship is the opportunity to achieve a spiritual marriage, or union. The couple  discover primary love – the love between two archetypes, the male and female. This love leads the couple to UNITY, divine grace and blessedness. They fulfill the ideal of every relationship: the discovery of UNITY, or in other words SUPREME REALITY.

 

The first steps in forming the spiritual couple

This article presents you practical advices about how to approach your couple relationship in order for it to grow harmoniously and blossom, bringing you and your lover to ecstatic states of soul communion.

 
An important element for a good start of a spiritual couple relationship is the principle of continuous evolution within the couple relationship. In Tantra it is said that the lovers should always stay in the state of the beginning. It is said: “If one wants to beat time, one must always stay in the state of the beginning”. In a couple relationship this is very important. Very many people wonder how to stay in the state of the beginning, because time passes. But Tantra also offers the solution: We open ourselves towards continuous transformation.
 
When we are completely open to transformation, we are constantly in the state of beginning. When we stop or when we tend to avoid this continuous flow of transformation, we automatically fall from the state of the beginning, in other words the wave, the flow takes us away. Therefore, when we want our relationship to stay fresh, in the state of the beginning, we must prepare – and this is an individual responsibility of the each one of the two lovers – for transformation. We must be ready in every moment to transform. Because the relationship itself changes, it transforms.
If we look at our relationship as if it is a child, we understand that one cannot take a child and tell him: “Come on, now we are busy, we do not have time for you. Stop growing, we carry on with our lives and we come back in two years, to see if you are still growing.” This cannot be. Once he is born, the child grows, he develops, he has his needs, we cannot tell him: “You know what, we are in holiday for the next two weeks, so stop eating.” A couple relationship needs love. We cannot say: “That’s it, now we stop, because I have other priorities in life, I have a carrier, I have other things to do.” This does not exist, the relationship dies.
 
Therefore, in the moment we aim to maintain this freshness of the love between us, we must always be ready to transform. It is the openness towards transformation, which we must have from the very beginning. If we at least consider this, we will easily notice that as soon as we get stuck or we try to oppose resistance to the transformation, the relationship starts to fade, the intensity diminishes, it becomes complicated, the extraordinary simplicity from the beginning, where everything was natural, simple, flowing, is lost. If in those moments we remember these words, we can immediately open ourselves to the process of transformation and the problem is solved. The following aspect is very interesting. If it is harmoniously integrated and we maintain ourselves in the state of the beginning through the openness towards transformation itself, a couple relationship takes us towards evolution. In other words, the relationship spiritualizes us, it evolves. Therefore, our job is to open to this spontaneity of transformation in a love relationship and the rest comes from God through that love. When we evolve within the couple, it is very important that the responsibility of the spiritual evolution is shared by the two lovers. Remember, the relationship is the little child. The responsibility for transformation is for the two lovers. Because if there is a stagnation, this takes place in one of us or in both lovers. We cannot say: “Look, the relationship is stagnating. We have such strong aspiration and transfiguration, but our relationship has deadened". Such a thing does not exist. It is the other way around. Either one of them gets stuck or both of them do and then, automatically, the relationship reflects this. In a couple relationship, the relationship is a mirror, but the responsibility for what the mirror reflects belongs to us. It is as if the two lovers go in front of the mirror and say: “This mirror is stupid. Look what ugliness it reflects.” It reflects what is in front of it.

Here are a few exercises for you to practice:

Practical exercise – because these states of confusion do not manifest in the same time or when facing the same realities, aim to create this beneficial habit within your couple: stop, every now and then, from the wave of actions and events that you do together and realize that you love each other because you love each other and because there is this state of amazing grace and manifestation of the divine love and for no other reason  in this world.

Another exercise – when you notice that certain elements start to sneak in and burden the fragile shoulders of the love relationship, just remove those elements, because nobody dies without them, but without love we will definitely die. For example, if you notice you have a materialistic tendency and you feel happy and fulfilled also when you are ok materialistically, when you are on holiday, where you have all you need. If you see that this tends to mix with love, keep them separate. Simply, just do not go in that holiday like this. Or, if you have the tendency to make associations between love and habits, restrain yourself from those habits, for a while, until you notice that they do not influence the state of love.

Exercise for visualizing the relationship – see the relationship as our child, as if the relationship is a new born child, born in the moment we started the couple relationship and which grows gradually. When this child grows, he needs our care and attention, he needs to be nourished, but the child is different then the parents. We tend to see the relationship as being the other one, but the relationship is somewhere in between, it is something different from me or her, it is a glorious synthesis of our souls. That is why we cannot say that it is identical with me or with her, it is the sum of us. We have to be very careful and in time we have to learn to make the distinction between the relationship and the other one. Because, if we do not realize this, we tend to ignore many of the actions that a relationship needs.

It is as if the child is crying and the mother goes and feeds the father. But the child keeps crying, because he is hungry. Then, the father also feeds the mother and then they wonder: “Hey! Somebody is still crying here. Haven’t you had enough?” But it is the child that screams. This means that sometimes the relationship itself needs certain actions from us together. We both have to do something, it cannot be only one or the other. In the same way a growing child needs two parents and each parent has its role in raising the child that is why we must bring our specific contribution to that relationship. This is why it is said that the two lovers are not lovers by loving one another; they love together the same things, this is how their souls unite. And loving higher and higher things, they love God and in this way they are united together into God. Metaphorically speaking, the position of the two lovers is not to look into each other’s eyes, but to look together in the same direction.

 
To underline this idea, one day a great wise man was asked what is the secret of happiness within the couple and what makes love last for the entire life? His answer was: “Love together the same things.”

And the message from our spiritual guide is “Love God together.”

 
Taken from "The spiritual couple relationship", conference kept by Mihai and Adina Stoian in 2006, in Costinesti -
Romania.
 
 
Copyright(c) MISA

 

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